Tenchi Moron
by Graffito Tag
Summary: New third chapter! All new hilarity.
1. Default Chapter

TENCHI MORON-NO NEED FOR MAKING SENSE  
"Its unquestionably fucked up!"  
  
The day starts out like most other days. Ryoko is gettin her drink on, Sasami is gettin her cook on, and of course, Kiyone is gettin her lesbi-on.  
  
  
KIYONE-"Come on Mihoshi! You know you wanna!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"No way, Kiyone! And give me my pants back!"  
  
KIYONE-"Aw, your never any fun, bitch." Throws her pants back and walks out. Unbeknownst to her, Noboyuke was listening to her in the next room.  
  
NOBOYUKE-"Wait a minute...KIYONE IS A LESBIAN? Wow, come to think of it, it all makes sense! The way she isnt interested in Tenchi, the way she's so bitchy, and how she always has sex with women! Woooooo! I wont need these any more!" he sets fire to his porno movies and does his happy dance.  
  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
AYEKA-"Hello, Tenchi!"  
  
TENCHI-"Ayeka?" Does an anime fall.  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi! Whats wrong now? What did I say?"  
  
TENCHI-"Ow..shit...nothin, I just slipped on something."  
  
AYEKA-"Hey, it looks like Ryo-oke comes here to take a crap!"  
  
TENCHI-"So thats where she does it!" Suddenly Mihoshi comes rushing by crying, but quickly stops.  
  
MIHOSHI-"Hey! How did you guys find my CocoPuff crop?"  
  
TENCHI-looking confused-"Uh...excuse me?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Yeah! I wanted it to be a suprise, but I have been harvesting these natural CocoPuffs and refilling the cereal boxes."  
  
  
BACK AT THE HOUSE  
  
  
RYOKO-*shudder*-"Wow...that must have been a burnt puff...oh well *crunch*"  
  
  
LATER THAT DAY  
  
  
Ayeka is sweeping the ground again, when Ryoko appears.  
  
AYEKA-"Why is this ground always so dirty?"  
  
RYOKO-"Oh, there you are Ayeka!"  
  
AYEKA-"Yes, so what do you want?"   
  
RYOKO-"Well, I was getting ready to take a bath with your little sister, but when Mihoshi was rubbing oil all over my naked body, something wierd happened."  
  
AYEKA-"You discovered that you dont have nipples?"  
  
RYOKO-"No, I said 'wierd'. I cant find my tail. It was there one minute and then....Have you seen it, by any chance?"  
  
AYEKA-"Nope, cant say that I have..." Ryoko begins to fade away, but Ayeka remembers something. "Say..Ryoko..."  
  
RYOKO-"Hm?"  
  
AYEKA-"Have you noticed anything....wierd about Tenchi?"  
  
RYOKO-"What do you mean? Is this just another ingenious plot?"  
  
AYEKA-"I dont know what you mean."  
  
RYOKO-"Like that time you told me that Washu was Tenchi in disguise, so I accidentally stripped her naked in public and made sweet love to her!"  
  
AYEKA-"No, its nothing like th..wait..why did you do that? Nevermind, its not important. I was just wondering if you thought that it was kind of wierd that Tenchi never uh...pays attention to any of us."  
  
RYOKO-"You know, now that I think about it...Well, that just means I'll have to try harder!" She teleports away.  
  
AYEKA-"Damn! Now I'll have to increase my efforts as well."  
  
  
STILL LATER, STILL SCRIPT FORMAT  
  
RYOKO-walking into living room-"Tenchi...FUCK ME NOW!"  
  
TENCHI-"*sigh* Ryoko, cant you see I'm CLIPPING my TOENAILS?"  
  
RYOKO-"Uh...oookay...HOLY SHIT! TENCHI, WHAT ARE THOSE?"  
  
TENCHI-leaping up-"WHAT? WHERE?"  
  
RYOKO-pushing her boobs into his face-"These! They were just there when I woke up!"  
  
TENCHI-"EEEeeek! They're scary!"  
  
RYOKO-"That...wasnt what I expected..." Suddenly, a blood curdling scream, that isnt from Tenchi, echo's through the house.  
  
AYEKA-"TENCHI! HELP ME!" Tenchi rushes to Ayekas room, only to find it empty.  
  
TENCHI-"Ayeka? What happened?" Suddenly, the door slams and locks.  
  
AYEKA-"Oh, Tenchi! What are you doing here?"  
  
TENCHI-"But..you just yelled and.."  
  
AYEKA-"No I didnt...O dear, it seems you caught me in my underwear!"  
  
TENCHI-"But Ayeka, you aren't even wearing uderwear!"  
  
AYEKA-"Oh, look at that, Im not. Well...Tenchi, since we're both here...why dont we..."  
  
TENCHI-"....."  
  
AYEKA-"......You know..."  
  
TENCHI-stares blankly  
  
AYEKA-"......"  
  
TENCHI-"...Duuuhhh..."  
  
  
MEANWHILE, THE SCREAM ATTRACTED NOBOYUKI TO THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE MIHOSHI WAS WATCHING TV  
  
TV GUY-"And then, if you dab the sponges on the wall, you get a lovely border pattern!"  
  
MARTHA STUART-"Thats right, Satan. Also, I use water based paint...."  
  
NOBOYUKE-"Hey, anyone seen Kiyone?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"No, cant say I have."  
  
RYOKO-"Hey, Old Dirty Bastard..."  
  
NOBOYUKE-"mmmYYYyeesss?"  
  
RYOKO-"Can I talk to you for a minute?"  
  
  
MINUTES LATER  
  
  
NOBOYUKE-"No! I cant believe it!"  
  
RYOKO-"Its true! Just check it out for yourself!" Tenchi walks by, after narrowly 'escaping' the porno palace of Ayeka's room.  
  
NOBOYUKE-"Hey, Tenchi! Me and these hot chicks were gonna go on an adventure, full of explosions and adult situations! Want to come along?"  
  
TENCHI-"I dont think so, I have homework to do." He walks away.  
  
NOBOYUKE-"Hhhmm...Its worse than I thought...OH WELL, no time for that, I got some lesbians to stalk! Tee hee!" As he leaves the house, Ryoko steps into the room.  
  
RYOKO-"So, you get lucky?"  
  
AYEKA-blushing-"What?"  
  
RYOKO-"I said 'you have any luck'?"  
  
AYEKA-"I dont believe its any of your business....and no."  
  
RYOKO-"Now I'm starting to worry...lets go see Washu." You know where they went. Meanwhile, Kiyone creeps from her hiding place under the carpet and sneaks up behind Mihoshi.  
  
KIYONE-"HEY MIHOSHI!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"AAAAAAHHH!! Oh...its just you Kiyone."  
  
KIYONE-"Hey, I got this great new thing we can try!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"...Wh-What is it Kiyone?"  
  
KIYONE-"Its kareoke!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Oh Wow!"  
  
KIYONE-"Naked!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"...huh?"  
  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
  
RYOKO-"Alright Washu, that's the situation. We need your help."  
  
WASHU-"Well actually, I dont know why you two spend so much time on useless physical persuits..." Those two Washu puppets appear on her shoulders.  
  
WASHU_A-"Dont believe her!"  
  
WASHU_B-"Yeah, she uses us as dildos when no ones around! That's why she locks the door."  
  
WASHU-"Hey, shut up!"  
  
WASHU_A-"I go in her ass!"  
  
WASHU_B-"Save us from her bottomless cunt!"  
  
WASHU-"Thats enough out of you two!" She draws a sword, but the puppets pull knives.  
  
WASHU_A-"I dont think so!"  
  
WASHU_B-"Friends to the end, Mikey!" They begin a life or death struggle, which takes some time....  
  
MEANWHILE AGAIN, IN THE LIVING ROOM  
  
MIHOSHI-"I dont know what you're talking about Kiyone!"  
  
KIYONE-"Damn, bitch, you know how much I love it when you talk stupid to me! Say it again!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"What?"  
  
KIYONE-"Oh..OH yeah, that's the way! Quick, work this Rubicks cube!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Whu? What do I do with this?"  
  
KIYONE-"OOOHHHhhhh AH Aaahhhh!"  
  
  
SOMEWHERE ELSE  
  
  
NOBOYUKE-"Damn! I just know I'm missing something that would make me horny!"  
  
  
BACK AT WASHU'S MASTUR...UH...LAB  
  
  
WASHU-"Whew! It was hard, but I finally killed those bitchass puppets."  
  
AYEKA-"Hhhmm...yes, but you still need to help us with our problem!"  
  
WASHU-"I've seen Tenchi naked, and believe me...there isn't any problem."  
  
RYOKO-"What do you mean?"  
  
WASHU-"Let me put it like this....what are the differences.." points at her crotch "..between me and Tenchi?"  
  
AYEKA-"Hold on...Let me use my 'phone a friend'!" Pulls a cel phone. A ringing is heard in the room.  
  
RYOKO-"Just a sec you two. *beep* Hello?"  
  
AYEKA-"Ryoko, you fucked Washu right? So what is the difference between her and Tenchi?"  
  
RYOKO-"Wait, I know this one! Uh...John Madden!"  
  
AYEKA-"Okay, Washu, the difference between you and Tenchi is...John Madden! Final answer!"  
  
WASHU-"Alright...let me ask again...What is the physical difference between me...and Tenchi?" They shrug their shoulders.  
  
WASHU-"The answer is...not very much."  
  
AYEKA-"What exactly do you mean?" Washu whispers something to them, and holds her arms far apart. Their faces brighten. Then Washu shakes her head, and moves her hands closer together, until they almost touch.  
  
RYOKO-"Oh...oh hell."  
  
AYEKA-"I agree...well..guess I'll just have to become a lesbian."  
  
  
SOMEWHERE ELSE  
  
  
NOBOYUKE-"Alright, that time, I know I felt something!"  
  
STRIPPER-"You cant do that in here, buddy!"  
  
  
BACK AT TENCHI'S, THE NEXT MORNING  
  
Sasami greets everyone at the table, and serves up a large sausage shaped thing.  
  
TENCHI-"Wait a minute, is that what I think it is?"  
  
SASAMI-"Yep!"  
  
WASHU-"Not again!"  
  
SASAMI-"What? You dont like balogna? It was on sale!"  
  
TENCHI-"OOooohh...heh heh...this is great."  
  
KIYONE-"Good morning, Ayeka..hee hee."  
  
  
THE END  
  
Stay tuned for future episodes of Tenchi-Moron!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Tenchi Moron: No need for Pimpdaddies

TENCHI MORON-NO NEED FOR PIMPDADDIES  
(Its unquestionably illegal!)  
  
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FIC CONTAINS NUDITY AND EXCHANGE OF CHICKS, BUT DONT CONFUSE IT WITH A ROMANCE STORY...YOU'LL BE SORRY IF YOU DO  
  
Its just another Ma-sucky day. Once again, Tenchi is sitting around with his thumbs up his ass, waitin for someone to ask to fuck him.  
  
NOBOYUKE-"Hey Tenchi..."  
  
Please note I said ask to fuck, not ass fuck.  
  
NOBOYUKE-"..Oh..."  
  
  
  
SASAMI-"Hey everone! Dinner is ready!" Everyone except Mihoshi,Noboyuki,and Washu rushes to the table, and sit down for a pleasant meal.  
  
TENCHI-"What are we gettin today Sasami?"  
  
SASAMI-"Crabs." Everyone laughs, and Sasami puts her clothes back on. And she had so hoped to give someone crabs...."Fine then, just eat these noodles that I found outside in some dog shit."  
  
RYOKO-"Hey, Ayeka, dont hog it all!" She leans over to help herself, letting her boobs rest on her plate.  
  
RYOKOS BOOBS-"Look at us Tenchi! We're so biiggg!" Tenchi's eyes open wide.  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi, are you halucinating again?"  
  
TENCHI-"Unless everyone else heard Ryoko's knockers yell at me just then, I think so." Mihoshi runs to the table, her titties jigglin all the way. Steam starts shooting out of Tenchi's ears.  
  
YOSHO-"What is it Tenchi? Is there something I should be looking at?"  
  
TENCHI-"What..oh..uh..." he is cut short (ironic wording) by Ayeka and Ryoko catfighting again.  
  
AYEKA-"What do you think you're doing Ryoko! Let go of my bra!"  
  
RYOKO-punching Ayeka-"Only if you get yer damn hand out of my ass!"   
  
TENCHI-"AAAHH! I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!" He runs out the room, then stops and looks back. "Just so you know, I'm going to the bathroom to jerk off."  
  
MIHOSHI-"We know."  
  
KIYONE-"Have a good time!"  
  
RYOKO-"Dammit Ayeka! Get your fingers outa there, thats cheating!"  
  
TENCHI-"Yeeeeeee.."  
  
  
IN THE BATHROOM  
  
NOBOYUKE-"Oh just in time Tenchi, I got some zipper tr..AAAGGGGHH!"  
  
  
OUTSIDE  
  
MIHOSHI-"Im getting kinda worried about Tenchi."  
  
KIYONE-"Dont worry about him, he knows what he's doing...say..." she leans over to whisper to Mihoshi.  
  
MIHOSHI-"Kiyone! You know I cant do that!"  
  
KIYONE-"Why the hell not?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Because I'm the innocent, child like character. Thats why I fall over all the time, and get away with wearing cleavage revealing clothes. Im only here to make people feel guilty about wanting to do me. Look." Points at Yosho.  
  
YOSHO-under breath-"Oh, I shouldnt think that...but she's so hot...dammit...I'm a bad boy, I need a spanking..."  
  
KIYONE-"Fine then...hey, why dont you check on Tenchi?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Okay. I'm glad you got that out of your system, Kiyone. Lets just be friends from now on."  
  
KIYONE-"Alrighty!" as Mihoshi walks across the room, she falls over with her ass in the air..again.   
  
MIHOSHI-"Ouch....Hey! Whats that? Kiyone, help! Something is taking off my pants! AAAhhh! And now its biting me!"  
  
KIYONE-"Mo Moorm Mrhrhfg..." Tenchi walks out of the bathroom, followed by a very confused looking Noboyuki.  
  
TENCHI-"Kiyone, how many times do I have to tell you not to rape Mihoshi?"  
  
YOSHO-"Dammit, Sasami! This shit sucks."  
  
MIHOSHI-pulling up pants-"Yeah, lets go out somewhere."  
  
RYOKO-"Some bar it is!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Wait, I said..."  
  
TENCHI-"Yep, lets go drinkin!"  
  
  
LATER, AT THE BAR  
  
  
RYOKO-"So then I says 'whuddu ya mean you wont fuck me?'! HAhahaaa."  
  
TENCHI-"Ryoko, I said that 5 minutes ago, and could you please save it 'til you get drunk?"  
  
RYOKO-"Well, its off to work I go!" and starts chuggin vodka.  
  
NOBOYUKE-"Hey! You'll never believe this! A soldier, a psycho, a chinaman, a queer, and a priest just walked into the bar!"  
  
WUFEI-"Heero, you're sure he's here right? I have the feeling someone just called me a racial slur."  
  
HEERO-"Dont worry, he's here alright..."  
  
DUO-"Look, that's him!" They walk over to Tenchi's table.  
  
HEERO-"Can we sit down?"  
  
TENCHI-"Well, I guess if you can fit 5 more chairs around this table, then you've earned it." It takes some work, but they eventually sit down.  
  
DUO-"Dammit, Heero. I dont want to sit in Quatre's lap!"  
  
HEERO-"Then stand up."  
  
DUO-"Fine, but if he gets a boner...."  
  
QUATRE-"Too late..."  
  
DUO-"AAAAAAAhhh!"  
  
HEERO-"Shut the fuck up!" and pushes Duo onto Quatre.  
  
DUO-"Ug, I'll feel this in the morning..."  
  
TENCHI-"Can you please tell me what this is all about?"  
  
TROWA-"......"  
  
TENCHI-"I see.."  
  
AYEKA-getting drunk-"I di'dnn hear anthing..-Gllaagggg-"  
  
YOSHO-"Ayeka, do you always have to throw up on me?"  
  
AYEKA-more drunk than I had previously thought-"Uhhhh huh..."  
  
HEERO-"Let me explain...We 4 guys and Quatre..."  
  
QUATRE-"Hey!"  
  
HEERO-"We have been watching your 'escapades' if you will, and we are damn tired of you hoggin all these fine bitches."  
  
TROWA-"That's what I said."  
  
AYEKA-"I aint no bitch!" tries to swing at Heero, but passes out and hits her head on the table.  
  
WUFEI-"So decide which ONE you want dammit!" Tenchi looked around the table. Ryoko was passed out in her own vomit, as was Ayeka. Kiyone was drunk, and Mihoshi was using a bar stool to fend off the drunk Kiyone...   
  
TENCHI-"Do I have to decide now?"  
  
HEERO-"Hhmm...we'll stop by your house tomarrow. Then you will give us a descision."  
  
TENCHI-"And what if I dont?"  
  
HEERO-"We make Quatre live with you." Tenchi looked over at the horrifying visage of Quatre, and the humorously uncomfortable expression of Duo.  
  
TENCHI-"Its a deal...tomorrow I decide..."  
  
  
TOMORROW  
  
  
Tenchi, his family, Sasami, and his 10 boobs are standing in the living room.  
  
TENCHI-"And thats what they said."  
  
WASHU-"They cant just come in here and steal us away from you!"  
  
RYOKO-"Yeah, I aint afraid of guns! I'll just blow them away!"  
  
TENCHI-"NO! They might sick that blonde one on me!"  
  
SASAMI-"No Tenchi! I dont want to leave!" she leaps onto Tenchi and hugs him. Suddenly, Heero kicks in the front door, then knocks on it.  
  
HEERO-"Ah, I see you've made your descision. The small one." Duo let out a sigh of relief. He wanted a babe, but he didnt want to be a child molester.  
  
TENCHI-"No, you dont understand!" But it was too late...  
  
Wufei walked up to Kiyone, lifting her arms, looking at her ass, checking her teeth ect...  
  
WUFEI-"This woman looks healthy, how much do you want for it?"  
  
KIYONE-"Hey! Just a damn minute!"  
  
Trowa was eyeing over Washu..who gave a blushing giggle reply..Meanwhile Duo was trying to forget sitting on Quatre.  
  
MIHOSHI-crying-"Hey, I dont -sniff- like this!" Duo's eyes got bigger and shinier, and little sparkles surrounded him.  
  
DUO-"She's so beeyutiful..." Heero punches some sense into him. "Uh..I mean uh...she's damn hot!"  
  
KIYONE-"Dammit, we arent your property, to be claimed!" Trowa walks over, picks up Washu, and goes upstairs to Tenchi's room, Washu giggling hornilly (?) all the way.  
  
TENCHI-"Hey, what are you doing?"  
  
TROWA-"HHNNN! Trowa want piece of ass..."  
  
KIYONE-"Uh..well..The rest of us aren't going to put up with that macho shit!"  
  
WUFEI-"This ones a bitch. Can I have the yellow haired one instead?"  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi! Do something!"  
  
TENCHI-"Hey, you all just hold on a second! I never made my choice!"  
  
DUO-"Dammit!" Starts praying that Tenchi will choose Sasami...  
  
HEERO-"Well hurry up, dammit. You got to share the wealth you know!"  
  
DUO-"Yeah, we need lovin too!"  
  
QUATRE-"Yeah, Mr. Masaki! I want you....uh...I mean...your girlfriends.."   
The gundam dudes give him a "Youre not fooling anyone" look (rolled eyes, smirk), but he replies with a "Im seriously not gay" look (wide open eyes). Wufei gives them all a "You're lucky you are still alive" look (frown, squint), and Duo gives a "Lets forget the whole thing happened" look (smile, shrugging shoulders), but Heero gives them a "Lets just go over here and try to win ourselves the affection of these fine bitches, then steal them away from this Tenchi loser" look (walk like an Egyptian, stand on head).   
  
Meanwhile, Tenchi gives Ayeka a "what the fuck is up with these guys?" look, and Ryoko looks at Tenchi's crotch.  
  
  
HEERO-"Sorry you had to hear that. Which chick do you want to fuck the most?" Washu screams from upstairs.  
  
WASHU-"Oh yeah! OH HELL YEAH! OH, CALL ME LITTLE WASHU! AAAAHHHH!"  
  
The gundam dudes give each other thumbs up, and Noboyuke wishes he was Trowa right now.  
  
TENCHI-"Fine, by 5 o'clock, I will decide which one of the girls will stay here." The chicks gasp.  
  
AYEKA-"You aren't really gonna go along with this, are you Tenchi?"  
  
TENCHI-"I have no choice..."  
  
HEERO-steppin over to Ayeka-"Yeah, he has no choice, you fine lookin ho."  
  
AYEKA-blushing-"Tenchi...never talked to me like that..." Heero turned away from her, and spoke into a recorder.  
  
HEERO-"Mission complete" The gundam dudes give him a thumbs up too.  
  
  
  
2:00, TWO CHICKS DOWN, 3 TO GO  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi, you love me more right?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"But Tenchi!"  
  
KIYONE-"But Mihoshi!"  
  
TENCHI-thinking-"Damn...I've never been forced to turn down pussy before...So why did I?" he glances over at a daydreaming Ayeka.  
  
AYEKA-"Oh Heero, what a big gundam you have..."  
  
RYOKO-"See Tenchi? I told you she never really cared about you!"  
  
YOSHO-"Why dont you just have a contest?"  
  
RYOKO-"What kind of contest?"  
  
YOSHO-"A booty contest."  
  
TENCHI-"Thats a great idea grandpa!"  
  
  
3:55, RYOKO, KIYONE, MIHOSHI PREPARE FOR THE CONTEST, AYEKA TAKES A COLD SHOWER, WASHU IS STILL IN TENCHI'S ROOM WITH TROWA  
  
RYOKO-"Dont you two find it kinda unrealistic that all of this is happening?"  
  
KIYONE-"I never really thought that much about it. Just hurry up and take your clothes off, the contest is about to start."  
  
RYOKO-"Hey Kiyone, why are you even trying? We all know you're a lesbian."  
  
KIYONE-"Because I get to see naked...you. Hee hee"  
  
  
THEY WALK NAKED INTO THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE TENCHI IS WAITING ON THE COUCH, ALONG WITH YOSHO, AND NOBOYUKE.  
  
NOBOYUKI-"HOLY SHIT!" his nose starts spraying gallons of blood all over the floor.  
  
YOSHO-"I knew he shouldnt have been allowed to watch..oh, and look at that, now he's dead."  
  
TENCHI-"Alright, line up. First, I think I will see which of you has the least dyed hair...hhhmm this may be tough." Tenchi was right...Ryoko's pubes were about the color of her hair, while Kiyone's turned out to be red. Mihoshi was facing in the wrong direction, and Sasami...  
  
TENCHI-"Sasami! Get dressed, this contest isnt for you!" Sasami runs away crying...what a shocker..."Huh..seems Ryoko is the winner of this round. Now for the talent part of the contest. Dance bitchess!" he cracks a bullwhip, and the 3 of them start dancing...  
  
MEANWHILE....  
  
HEERO-"So...good coffee huh?"  
  
DUO-"You said it!"  
  
WUFEI-"....so...how bout those chicks eh?"  
  
DUO-"Dammit, I'll convince Mihoshi to run away with me!" Duo and Wufei stare at him.  
  
WUFEI-"You know her name?" Heero makes whip snapping noises, then Quatre walks in.  
  
QUATRE-"Dont you think these women deserve a little respect?" He is unconcious in a matter of seconds.  
  
  
5:00  
  
HEERO-"Alright Masaki...lets have it..."  
  
DUO-to Mihoshi-"Oh, whats wrong?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"I just-sniff-dont want to leave Tenchi!"  
  
DUO-"Why the hell not?"  
  
MIHOSHI-smiling-"Hey, I dont really know!"  
  
DUO-"Come here baby!" They hug, Duo gets thumbs up...  
  
TENCHI-"Dammit, you guys are really makin it hard for me to score!"  
  
WUFEI-"You know damn well you were never gonna get any!"  
  
TENCHI-"Fine then...Kiyone?"  
  
KIYONE-"Huh? Oh, sorry Tenchi, I was thinking about the contest again...*sigh*.."  
  
TENCHI-"Fine then, I guess its you and me Ryoko."  
  
RYOKO-jumping onto him-"I have been waiting so long to hear those words 'Fine then'..OH IM SO HAPPY!"  
  
TENCHI-"Me too...Its times like this that make me wish I had a dick." Everyone but Ryoko laughs at him.  
  
RYOKO-"Whu? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"  
  
TENCHI-"Well, let me put it like this...If you are going to eat dynamite, dont shove a blasting cap up your ass and have a farting contest." Yosho waddles by with an exaust pipe in his ass.  
  
YOSHO-"Why didnt you tell me that earlier?"  
  
RYOKO-"Well...bye Tenchi." Ryoko walks over to the Gundam dudes and gets ready to leave.  
  
HEERO-"HEY TROWA! LETS GO!" Trowa and Washu walk downstairs, sweaty and holding hands.  
  
WASHU-"Tenchi, why did you have these piles of severed hands in your room?"  
  
And so the day ended with Washu soon to fuck Trowa, Ayeka pretty much already fucking Heero, Duo making out with Mihoshi, and Kiyone watching Mihoshi make out. Sasami had decided to leave with Quatre, as she no longer had to worry about being raped. Wufei left, extremely glad that Ryoko was a slut.  
  
EVERYONE-"Bye, Tenchi!" *door slams*  
  
TENCHI-"Well...this really sucks ass."  
  
YOSHO-"Yep, just you and me Tenchi..."  
  
TENCHI-"Oh no, dont even think about it old man!"  
  
YOSHO-"Uh...I dont know what you're talking about...Well, guess we better get your fathers corpse moved out of the house. You take the ass side."  
  
TENCHI-"I wish I was dead..."  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Ambiguity and Asbestos

TENCHI MORON-AMBIGUITY AND ASBESTOS  
  
a cool summer night,  
Clouds across the southern sky,  
ow, I hurt my wang.  
  
  
It's yet another blazingly bright day under the Japanese ozone hole. Ayeka, Kiyone, and Mihoshi are in the bath house sorting laundry, as it was laundry, and sorting is just what you do to it. It's the natural order.  
  
MIHOSHI-"So anyway, I heard Noboyuki talking to Yosho the other day..."  
  
AYEKA-*wink*"Don't you mean Katsuhito?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Yeah, Yoshimitsu. Anyway Noboyuki said something about wanting to 'tea bag' me. I didn't really understand exactly what he meant, but I think it had something to do with sharks..."  
  
KIYONE-"Mihoshi, what ever happened to you? Weren't you the star detective of the entire department?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"I gots kicked in the head with a horse!"  
  
Ayeka had stopped paying attention by this point. She knew that listening to Mihoshi for too long can cause cancer. As she tosses another pair of socks into the 'maybe' pile, she remembers something.  
  
AYEKA-"You know, Tenchi asked me to do the oddest thing yesterday. For some reason, he wants the bottom half of every T-shirt he owns cut off."  
  
KIYONE-"Now why would you think he'd ask for something like that?"  
  
AYEKA-"Some new fashion thing I suppose."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Maybe he hates shirts!" Ayeka considers the idea.  
  
AYEKA-"I doubt that. He would have wanted to settle the score personally."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Huh...you know, Ayeka, I used to know some guys in the academy who wore the exact same style. Now that I think about it, I think they were, you know, funny..."  
  
AYEKA-"Yes, I'm sure they were hilarious."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Ha, no Ayeka...I mean they were gay."  
  
Ayeka drops her pants.  
  
AYEKA-"What exactly are you saying, Mihoshi?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Oh yeah, I used to know tons of homosexuals. Why, Kiyone here used to be a gay man."  
  
KIYONE-"Was that ever a weird chapter in my life!" Ayeka seems disturbed.  
  
AYEKA-"This...doesn't bode well..."  
MEANWHILE!  
Tenchi sits on the couch, enjoying one of his favorite romantic thrillers.  
  
TENCHI-"Oh Vin Deisel, you can Iron my Giant any day..."   
  
SASAMI-"Hey, Tenchi! What's this cartoon?"  
  
TENCHI-"Aww, you'd love it Sasami! It's the bomb diggidy!" Sasami sighs.  
  
SASAMI-"Oh great, Washu's turned him black again." Tenchi looks shocked.  
  
TENCHI-"Sasami! How racist of you!"  
  
SASAMI-"No, but, I really thought..."  
  
TENCHI-"No excuses, little girl. Now go to your room!"  
  
SASAMI-"You made me move out of my room so you could put your doll collection there!"  
  
TENCHI-"I meant the kitchen. Makes me a snack!"  
  
SASAMI-"But I just got finished cooking! Can't I have a break?"  
  
TENCHI-"Sasami, I don't hear rice steaming..."  
  
SASAMI-"YOU CAN'T...*sigh* okay, Tenchi..." As Sasami walks back to the kitchen, she overhears Noboyuki complaining.  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Arg! I'm so sick of this slow, dial-up internet!"  
  
SASAMI-"Maybe you need DSL...wait, Mr. Misaki sir uh...that's not a computer, that's a microwave..." Noboyuki rolls his eyes.  
  
NOBOYUKI-"I know it's a microwave, Sasami. How else am I going to download this burrito?"  
  
SASAMI-"Yes sir, I was mistaken." She turns away. "Heh, when I get through with this, it's gonna be nothing BUT spit." She starts gathering ingredients, but Noboyuki interrupts.  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Sasami, can I ask you something?" She nods and keeps ingredienting. "The royal family's name is Jurai right?"  
  
SASAMI-"Uh huh."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"And your money is called Jurai..."  
  
SASAMI-pauses-"Yes."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"And...your planet is called Jurai?"  
  
SASAMI-"I guess it is."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"So, is your family really vain, or just stupid?"  
  
SASAMI-"Huh... I guess it's a little of both. I blame the Jurai public education system."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Why? What's it like?"  
  
SASAMI-"We all stand out in a field and hope really hard that we learn something."  
BACK IN THE OTHER ROOM!  
Mihoshi, Kiyone and a troubled looking Ayeka walk in, their piling stuff duties complete.  
  
TENCHI-"Hey girls! Did you have any trouble?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"I only hurt myself a little!"  
  
AYEKA-"Umm, Tenchi...have you seen Ryoko lately?"  
  
TENCHI-"I asked her to haul some crap around about an hour ago, so I could watch some TV." Ryoko slunks back to the house and absentmindedly tries to phase through the door with a bag in her hand, causing the door to explode, sending fragments stabbily about the room.   
  
TENCHI-"Who is it?"  
  
RYOKO-"Whew, jeez Tenchi, why is it so important that I move all that fertilizer around? It seems like 'taking coals to Newgrounds' or whatever. *sigh* Oh well, at least I can take off these hot, bothersome clothes..." she floats over to Tenchi.  
  
TENCHI-"Ryoko, if you touch me, I'll scream!" She puts her arms around him anyway.  
  
RYOKO-"Oh I'll make you scream all right. Scream with pleasure!"  
  
AYEKA-"....."  
  
RYOKO-"Like, from sex."  
  
AYEKA-"....."  
  
RYOKO-"Sexual intercourse with me."  
  
TENCHI-"Ahem...Ayeka..."  
  
AYEKA-"What? Oh yeah you...uh...you, you bitch..."   
  
TENCHI-"What's wrong, Ayeka? You seem so distant...do you have AIDS? You do, right?"  
  
RYOKO-"No, Tenchi, I'm sure she's just mad at the squirrel that lives in that tree that's shoved up her ass. "  
  
AYEKA-"Now wait just a minute, you don't have right to insult ME, you pathetic skeleton!"  
  
TENCHI-"Hold on, Ayeka, don't judge her! Ryoko can't help that she was born a skeleton."  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi, what are you talking about?" Tenchi becomes flustered.  
  
TENCHI-"WHAT? I didn't say anything! You're all crazy! I'll scream!" Tenchi quickly sits back on the couch, just as Yosho saunters in.  
  
YOSHO-"Excuse me everyone, but there's something I need to tell you. This Sunday is a very important date in my religion."  
  
TENCHI-"But grandpa, I don't remember any Shinto holy days this weekend."  
  
YOSHO-"Tenchi, I said 'my' religion, I call it 'Yoshoism'. In the best interests of me, I've decided to have a festival, and I expect you all to do your part."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Wow, you mean like that one time?"  
  
YOSHO-"What are you implying, Mihoshi? Are you trying to start somethin?"  
  
TENCHI-"I think she means the carnival."  
  
YOSHO-"Phhh! Do you know how much money I lost on that deal? Why, just thinking about it makes me so angry! I'm just glad I'm a Buddhist."  
  
TENCHI-"But grandpa, you're not Buddhist."  
  
YOSHO-"It's as the Dali Lama once said, 'I don't like you, you're stupid, Tenchi.' "  
  
TENCHI-"But he was so nice at the party!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Wow, a festival! I haven't been this excited since the first time Kiyone touched my special place!"  
  
YOSHO-"I just thought I should warn you, as I expect you all to be ready to work hard. Until then, I'll be off in obscurity." Yosho backs away and mysteriously wanders off.   
  
TENCHI-"Hey, that reminds me, where are Washu and Ryo-Oki?"  
  
KIYONE-"Don't you remember? They've been running from the law for a month now."  
  
TENCHI-"The law huh?"  
ELSEWHERE!   
WASHU-"Punch it Ryo-Oki, Shar'ff Rosco's gainin' on us!"  
  
RYO OKI-"Meyaayow!"  
  
Now, ever'body knows Washu 'n Ryo-Oki's done bin in a whole mess o' trouble ever since they got caught sellin moonshine off'n the Georga turnpike. They also shot a baby in the face.  
BACK IN JAPAN! THIS IS SO EXCITING!  
TENCHI-"Well, anyway, it's not as bad as the time Kiyone married Nicholas Cage and kidnapped that baby."  
  
KIYONE-"Tenchi! That wasn't me!"  
  
TENCHI-"Oh? And I suppose I married Nicholas Cage?"  
  
SASAMI-"Okay Tenchi, here's the rice you wanted."  
  
TENCHI-"Sasami, are you dyslexic or something? I never asked you to fix me anything."  
  
SASAMI-"YES YOU DID! And what does my dyslexia have to do with anything?"  
  
TENCHI-"You're so sexy when you're angry!"  
  
IRON GIANT-"Ho-garrrth!"  
  
SASAMI-"Pay attention when I yell at you!"  
  
LATER~  
Everyone is once again sitting around the table, waiting for dinner, as prepared by their blue haired slave girl. And Sasami helped too.  
  
KIYONE-"I agree, Ryoko. Aristotle did oversimplify. But I believe it was Plato who said..."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Plato? I love Plato! I have the Plato funny pumper, and the Plato Happy Meal kit! Yeah, anything goes with Plato."  
  
KIYONE-"...what?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Chicken butt!"  
  
KIYONE-"You realize that doesn't really work in Japanese."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Chicken butt!"  
  
SASAMI-"I hope you all saved room for my fish, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH!"  
  
TENCHI-"You know, Sasami, I never get tired of hearing you say that. No, really."  
  
KIYONE-"Hey, this crap looks new. What is this crap? Is it crap?"  
  
SASAMI-"...."  
  
KIYONE-"You suck, Sasami."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Really, Sasami, what is it?"  
  
SASAMI-"I used a special Jurai meatitarian recipe!"  
  
AYEKA-"Ah, this really takes me back to my days in the old learny fields."  
  
TENCHI-"This really is good! What's in it?"  
  
SASAMI-"Well, the secret ingredient is love."  
  
TENCHI-"Wow, and here I thought it was bees!"   
  
As rousing as the conversation is, it soon dies down. Yosho, a bit tired of serving no real purpose, decides to try his hand at saying something interesting.  
  
YOSHO-*cough* "Uh...I hurt my wiener yesterday."  
  
TENCHI-"Grandpa! We're trying to eat here! What's wrong with you?"  
  
YOSHO-"Go...go TRAIN yourself, Tenchi!" He quickly stands up and runs from the room.  
  
TENCHI-"Was he crying?"  
  
AYEKA-"Well...I've suddenly lost interest in putting things in my mouth." Tenchi leans over to her.  
  
TENCHI-whispering-"Hey, Ayeka...I've got something you can put in your mouth..." Ayeka seems confused and pleasantly surprised.  
  
AYEKA-blushing-"Ex..excuse me?"  
  
TENCHI-whispering-"Yeah, as soon as I finish this piece of fish...you can have the rest, I'm on a diet." He quickly finishes off his fish and scrapes the rest onto Ayeka's plate.  
  
SASAMI-"What's wrong, Tenchi? Don't you like it?"  
  
TENCHI-"Oh, no way, Sasami! It was scrumptious!" Ryoko suddenly springs to attention, as if she had an epiphany.  
  
RYOKO-thinking-"Wait...wearing girls clothes...acting all feminine...the speech..."  
  
RYOKO-*GASP* "AYEKA'S GAY!" Everyone utters cries of shock, and look at Ayeka.  
  
AYEKA-"What? No! Tenchi's gay!" Even more shock. Tenchi tries to facefault, but misses the floor and is bashed unconscious.  
LATER  
  
NOBOYUKI-"I think he's waking up..."  
  
TENCHI-"Ohh..uh...Hogarth, you bitch!"  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi, are you all right?"  
  
TENCHI-"Ag, no! Ayeka, how could you say I'm gay?" He stands up.  
  
AYEKA-"Well, I just...I mean..."  
  
KIYONE-"She's right, Tenchi. You do come off a bit...flamboyantly and clearly homosexual."  
  
RYOKO-"So why won't you pay attention to me, Tenchi?"  
  
TENCHI-"I really didn't want to have to say anything...but, well...the thing is, I'm..." He pauses "....a woman."  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi, what are you trying to say?"  
  
TENCHI-"It all happened a few years ago. Grandpa and I were training near this spring that was said to have been cursed.....long story short, my testicles got gangrene. So I had a sex change when I was about twelve." Ayeka and Ryoko are horrified.  
  
TENCHI-"I hadn't planned on everyone staying here so long...but Ayeka, Ryoko....I just don't swing that way."  
  
AYEKA-"Are you sure you're not just gay?"  
  
RYOKO-"You're not really a woman, right?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"HAHA! You two are lesbians!"  
  
KIYONE-"You two are sick! Come on, Mihoshi, let's go make love. Oh, and bring your play-doh."  
THE END 


End file.
